Final chat with coachee Claudia

This week Claudia opted for the second form of conversation. She spoke with her aunt who she says is normally a great listener and is quite helpful when Claudia needs guidance. In past conversations Claudia has expressed difficulty with practicing presence and good listening and this week was no different. She said that her aunt thought it was strange because Claudia was "too quiet" as she was trying to focus on listening deeply. I advised her to take a different approach to listening and not to take it so literally. Listening is only generative and helpful if you are engaged with the conversation, so I suggested that she contribute more next time instead of only listening and not speaking. Also, she said that they spoke about nothing in particular, just "general stuff". This kind of exercise would be more useful with a conversation around a specific topic or idea. It is difficult to engage with a conversation if the topic and focus are constantly changing and not allowing for deeper analytic and generative growth.

Claudia agreed and said that in the future she thought this type of conversation would go better if she asked more questions and was more active in the conversation.

Coaching "Call" with Sara

This week I was unable to speak with Sara during our scheduled time so we communicated through email. She was very understanding and accommodating. I told her about my experience with option 2, a conversation with an old friend of mine. Sara is always a great listener and asks the questions that often make me shift my focus and reevaluate my thoughts. At first I was explaining the many differences between my friend and myself because she is always the empathic listener and never talks about herself or her own experiences. But Sara asked a simple question "What qualities do you think you share with Anastasia?". Instead of focusing on our differences I started to think about the similarities we share in our conversation styles and come to realize that we weren't all that different...a nice little change on my perspective.

I went on to tell her that my conversation felt a little strained at first but there came a time when the empathic listening was far more organic and automatic at which point she asked some pertinent questions about how my conversation related to Kantor's model and made me consider how and why this change came about. 

Sara has been a fantastic coach and always did a great job of providing a neutral perspective that offered guidance in times of confusion as well as praise for my hard work. These exercises were instrumental in helping me grow internally and adopt the methods we have learned about in to my every day conversations.

Week 8 with Sara

Sara and I talked mostly about our experiences in the first part of the assignment (the self reflection within nature). As always, Sara was a great coach and probed with pertinent questions. We focused on my experience on the Muddy River in Boston where I sat for about 45 minutes (It was really warm on Saturday!). I thought about my family and the quality of the relationships I have with my parents, siblings and grandparents and how I wish I could improve them. I love my family very much and they mean the world to me, but I don't always get to see/speak to them as much as I would like. I don't tell them that I love them enough. This exercise helped me envision what I wanted out of my future self and how I could improve. After the exercise I visited with my grandparents, I took my Grandfather out to lunch, I spoke with my mom and sister and resolved to make contact with them more regularly in order to achieve the happiness and fulfillment that I had pondered on the river that day.

Week 8 with Claudia

During our call, Claudia and I spoke mostly about the second part of the assignment (the conversation with another person). She spoke with a friend and focused her energy on her listening in an attempt to tune in to the highest future possibility of that person. We talked about seeing deeply and presencing within the conversation and how emphatic listening played a key role in the conversation for her. In previous weeks Claudia reported having trouble with her listening skills and so this week she was able to use her deeper listening to connect to the conversation. I asked her about how she thought this contributed to the quality of the container and she felt that it made for a more connected experience and improved overall "vibe".

Suspension with my Coachee, Claudia

This week Claudia focused her assignment around a conversation that she had with her best friend. The friend talked mostly about her boyfriend and the problems surrounding their relationship. Claudia admitted that it was difficult for her to practice any dialogic techniques because she found her mind wandering to other topics, like "did I feed the dog this morning?". She didn't feel that she had an important role in the conversation because it was dominated by her friend spilling out details and talking extensively about her personal problems and not allowing for much input or advice. 

  Although the assignment didn't go as planned, we discussed that there is still lots to learn from her experience. I explained that in order to have any good dialogue both parties involved have to be engaged and committed to the conversation. In Claudia's case she was not engaged in the topic, so she never truly left Field I. In order to progress to other fields you must create your own feelings, beliefs, and point of view to offer. Claudia concealed her beliefs because she felt unappreciated. I suggested that she point out these feelings to her friend even though they do not directly relate to the topic of her relationship problems. Voicing her views and making it clear to her friend how she feels would carry the conversation in to another topic. I suggested saying something like "I don't feel like you value my feelings because you only talk about X and don't involve me or ask my opinion". This would be a better stage for her to practice her dialogue techniques because she would be more invested in the outcome and would have passionate beliefs to voice.

Claudia said that it would be difficult for her to find the right way to bring this up, but that she would try to have a second conversation with her friend express her feelings fully. We agreed to talk more about her second trial next week. 

Suspension: Call with my coach Sara

We started our talk by discussing the conversation that I used for the assignment. My boyfriend and I were deeply involved in field II when I began to practice the technique of suspension. The conversation took an abrupt turn when I said something along the lines of "I think that my statements thus far have been close-minded and judgmental, but you make some great points and I think you are right". Initially he was shocked and thought I was being facetious, but after discussing my feelings a bit further we were able to move in to field III and had a more constructive talk. 

  Sara and I analyzed the different phases of the discussion and how I felt a sense of enlightenment when I suspended my beliefs and opened the conversation up. It wasn't difficult for me at all, but we noticed that it might be more difficult if I didn't have this assignment in mind. We talked about incorporating this (and other techniques) in to our every day lives not because we are assigned to, but because we enjoy it and find our conversations to be more deep and meaningful. One change that I would have liked to make was having the conversation in person. My talk with my boyfriend was over the phone, so it lacked the physical cues and intimacy of body language. Though I thought the conversation went extremely well, I would have liked to be more attuned to my own body language as well has his. 

  

Meditation in Week 5

3/4- Awareness of Body

When I first woke up I meditated for 15 minutes. After 15 minutes I stayed in the same seated position and focused on my posture. I naturally slump forward a bit so I began noticing the labored feeling of keeping my back and neck upright and my shoulders pushed back. I could feel each muscle working to keep my spine erect. After sitting and focusing on keeping my back straightened I was actually more comfortable than before. I felt as though my neck was elongated and my head was inching toward the sky. Throughout the entire day I sat with perfect posture and it was almost effortless.

While climbing six flights of stairs I paid special attention to the muscles of my lower body, especially my calves. I felt the burn of each contraction and felt each toe gripping the ground as I elevated my heel to climb to the next step. I felt the connection between my hamstrings, quadriceps and abdominal muscles each time I raised my knee. By the top of the stairs I could feel my gluteus muscles burning. When I reached the top my heart was pumping, I had begun to sweat the tiniest bit and my breathing was more rapid. I felt like an oiled machine warming up. This made me view my body as a machine; each muscles one of the moving parts, and my mind being the command center. 

3/5- Awareness of Breathing

At the gym I always monitor my heart rate throughout my cardio workout but today I coupled heart rate with number of breaths.. At the beginning I didn't notice my breathing at all, but as I started to warm up and my heart rate rose steadily I noticed my breaths becoming more frequent. At the peak of my workout I felt relieved after each breath, as if I couldn’t get the air in fast enough. I have been thinking of my body as a machine all day and after the gym I felt like air was my fuel. Not food, not water, but each breath was keeping me alive.

I counted 16 breaths per minute as my resting breathing rate, with a resting heart rate of 116.  At the peak of my workout I counted 57 breaths per minute, with a maximum heart rate of 202

(written 3/6) As I fell asleep last night I paid special attention to the rise and fall of my chest. I typically have trouble falling asleep, but paying attention to my breathing actually helped me drift away. There was one particular moment when I was breathing normally, then I took a deep breath and suddenly after that my breathing was much slower. I felt as though there was a threshold on the sleepiness scale and once I had crossed it my breathing slowed and I was able to enter a “low power” state. I don’t remember much after that, but I slowly faded in to sleep.

3/6- Awareness of Emotions

Today my boyfriend came to visit me from NY (as he does every Thursday). I always get excited for him to arrive and today was no different. I tried to keep busy by doing homework and housework while waiting, but the anticipation of his arrival was very distracting. When he called to say that he was going to be late I felt deflated. I was feeling somewhat irritated and let down. Cognitively I knew that he had just hit some traffic and he wouldn’t be long, but I couldn’t help but feel a little bit angry at him. I knew that this was unfair so I tried to be understanding and move on. When he arrived I was thrilled to see him and I couldn’t stop smiling. I was genuinely happy. 

After bringing awareness to my annoyance and unjust anger I contrasted that feeling with other times that he had called to say he was late (or couldn’t come at all). I felt that being more aware helped me calm myself down and take a more realistic approach to my emotions. The emotional journey is one that I experience inside, but I would not express this to my boyfriend because it is somewhat of an irrational emotion. This made me think about our inner struggle with rational and irrational emotions and how we try to conceal our irrational ones, or really any emotions that would make others uncomfortable. We have this social consciousness that tells us what is acceptable and what is not. Even though we may feel one way we often hide it or pretend to be unaffected by things that bother us.

3/7- Awareness of Thought

Today I went to track practice for the youth team that I coach. I worked with the ten year old group and after running and doing drills we reviewed their performances from the previous week. I noticed that as I was addressing each child’s event I was altering my tone and delivery based on the personality of the child and their performance. One girl in particular is very emotionally fragile and unconfident so when I announced her mile time I made sure to give her some positive reinforcement and congratulate her for finishing the race. I notice that some of the other kids who are more “mentally tough” got a different response from me. I monitored my thoughts about each child before reading their results: “Okay, this kid is a champ but he didn’t perform as expected, I need to fire him up and get him thinking about his next race” or “I know that this girl isn’t the most social and she just recently joined the team so I need to make her feel comfortable and welcomed. I should take a softer approach” and so on. Although the process was automatic and I didn’t even pick up on it until I was half way through I felt that I had complete control over these thoughts. My memories governed my thoughts and my thoughts governed my speech. It was a seamless journey and it was refreshing to reflect upon.